Be holy as I am holy. -GOD

My Life before Jesus

I was basically a normal kid raised in a bible based Holy Spirit family. Though my parents believed in fellowshiping with believers (going to church) they let us choose wether or not to go to church. I am sure they hoped we would have gone more often but their lives where really the best testimony and there are a lot of religious churches that actually cause harm to new and young believers.

            At some point at round the age or 12 I started to believe in Jesus for myself not just because my parents did. Also around that time Sin entered my life though lust, Followed by pride, and lying often just to cover up my first 2 sins.

John 3:20 NLT All who do evil hate the light and refuse to go near it for fear their sins will be exposed. (See Daily Revelation)

            At the age of 14 my parents started to go to a Holy Ghost renewal church. I liked it and decided to go on frequent occasion and even decided to be baptized. Towards the end of that year I went on a trip with my uncle and met a pastors son and did some drinking of hard alcohol and while intoxicated went to church and, by adjusting my moral compass, I though it was all right. When I returned home I confessed to my parents knowing they would find out and felt better and then came the realization: I needed more of God.  

Meeting Jesus Face to Face

I encountered Jesus Face to face in a series of visions, lasting 4 hours, in a large Holy Ghost tent meeting. This is when I fell in love with Jesus and learned how much he loved and cared for me and was always seeking after my soul. I learned deeply about his love though 1 vision, and about His protection from the enemy in another vision, and the third vision left me thinking ,because I did not under stand its true meaning until much later. He wanted to Judge me right there and then ,but I instead thought I was to learn how to become His good and faithful servant.

            During these visions there was a lot of talking between Jesus and me as if it was a first date. The Lord was revealing Himself to me in a very personal and intimate way. This was to serve as a corner stone of my salvation even to this day.

            The Lord grabbed my heart in a radical way and changed my life. I knew God was real ,I knew Christ was alive, and most importantly loved me far greater then words could describe.

            After the tent meeting and my visions my life seemed changed and I felt like a child of God changed from the inside out. I started to read the word and practiced day and night hearing the still and small voice of the Lord.

            I told my friends and they started looking to me for guidance and I was glad to help them. This wonderful time of growth in the Lord lasted for about 1 month. The Lord out of His grace had shielded me from the world’s temptation during that time. Temptations from this evil world and its ruler attacked me as the evil one was keen to get his son back on track sinning.

            Now we get to my great deception: In my Arrogance I though that through my knowledge of the Lord and my strong will I could fight off temptation and resist sin in my life as a good and faithful servant to the Lord.  I thought I would be a mighty warrior for the Lord strong and wise. It worked for a little while but the temptations of the world pulled at the desires from with in my own heart, a strong hold of evil and darkness.

James 1:14 Temptation comes from our own desires, which entice us and drag us away. (See Daily Revelation)

            My first sin after falling in love with Jesus was the hardest and hurt my heart so much. The guilt of betraying my friend and love crippled me for many days. Repentance at first was to repair the damage I had caused between me and Jesus, if that was possible, and let Him know how deeply sorry I was.

            I grew to hate my enemy sin, battling and fighting with it most of my "Christian" life. Thinking I was fighting the good fight in service to my Lord ,all the while denying the real power of the cross in my life.

            These were the weapons of my warfare Scriptures, Strong will or Stubbornness, Determination, Discipline, Positive thinking, Sacrificing my wants to keep from being tempted and even trickery as I would convince myself that this sin wasn’t really a sin.           

             I would wrestle with it ,always determining not to sin by reading more, praying more, averting my eyes, and staying away from sinful situations. Always going to the cross to repent and often with sorrow whether it was for my own failure or my guilt or out of concern for the Lords heart, is hard to determine as my heart was in turmoil and always conflicting with what I really wanted.

            I even started to hate myself as this rollercoaster type life I was leading wore me down. I would struggle up the steep hill slowly and with great effort and then with a short rest I would plunge down into sin and then up again by repenting and scriptures and praying and determination.

            I never accidentally sinned, as once I lost the battle with sin I choose to follow my desires and sin. Sometimes I was devious and conniving waiting for my opportunity to sin with out being caught because getting caught would only slow down my sinning and I craved sin deep with in me.

            But as the sin in me continued I grew to hate it as repentance became nothing more then a way to relieve my own guilt and of course let the Lord know I was sorry and would try to not let it happen again, but that was a lie and I knew it and often repented again.

            This time in my life lasted for about 9 years and the whole time I was becoming even more of a guide and spiritual mentor for my friends and even family sometimes with few of them knowing about my sin, if any of them. I would even call my self holy thinking that I was because I had just repented (and was clean ,well at least in my mind) and am now living in a state of holiness with Jesus, having no intention of sinning and all of the intentions of living a holy life. I was wrong as I have found out what a holy life really is.

            My life went on and I met a women and we fell in love and married against almost every ones warning. We had 2 children over the 5 year marriage; I was about 19 when we married. I knew the lord and I could convert her and live happily ever after and of course with out arguing at all because we where in love.

            1 year into the marriage my sin was discovered by my wife and it started to ruin our lives and marriage. After about 4 years we got a divorce. My sin had ruined yet another area of my life.  Now my children had to suffer from a broken and torn apart family and I watched as they were hurt by me.

1.      Do you know the devastation Sin can cause in your life and lives of those around you?

2.      Do you know what it is like to wrestle with temptations trying not to sin?

3.      Have you used some of the same tools as I did of 1 quoting scriptures, 2 Discipline, 3 Determination, 4 Positive Thinking, 5 Deceiving your self on what sin is, 6 Sacrificing needs and wants to keep your self from temptation.

My Conversion

            But even in all of this the lord was using my situation to draw closer to me. At the age of 24 I had started to recover my life after divorce and in one of those short times of rest, from my rollercoaster life of struggling up towards God and falling away in sin, a real feeling of being content with my life and being ok with the way my life was going came to me. I felt rest. I could live this way for my entire life even with the struggling.

            Then the Lord disturbed my rest and brought me back to that first encounter with Him in the Tent when I was 15. I knew I could not live a life content with the Lord, I must have more of Him. That started me down a road I have never recovered from.

            I truly asked Him with an honest heart “I need you at any Cost”. His answer was to convict me of my sin and convince me of His Righteousness. This immediately led me to repent in weeping and sorrow. Finally with an honest heart I plunged deep inside of my darkness and exposed my self to the Lord repenting of all of my sins. After almost 9 years of His showing Himself to me ,I finally started to expose my self to Him.I shared with Him all of my intimate moments,which turned out to be how badly I ruled my own life, always leading to Jesus'suffering for me on the Cross because of my sin.

            I was openly admitting to Him who I was.

            I was a Criminal before a Just God who was blameless in His dealing with me.

            I was a Sinner before a Holy God who was sinless.

            I was a hypocrite teaching 1 way outwardly living another inwardly.

            I was personally responsible for Jesus suffering and dying on the Cross for my sins.

            I pled guilty and knew my punishment.

            As a criminal I deserved Death right at this very moment.

            As a sinner I deserved Hell; separated from Jesus forever.

            As a Hypocrite I deserved the worst form of Hell knowing I lead others to Hell right  

behind me.

            If I served  Jesus all the rest of my days, I still deserved Hell no matter what I did for Him.

One night of repenting was not enough because there was something more the Lord wanted from me. So His conviction stayed on me and I repented during any time I had. My free time went to 0 and repentance became my life. After 1 week The Lord had me read the book of Romans over and over hitting me hard with his hatred of sin and how we are not to live in sin.

            Still His conviction was upon me and I started to share with my friends and some of us started to pray together every week. I started to minister to them even more then before. 1 month went by and still His conviction of my sin remained. “What else is there” I thought. Then my lust from within came into my life just like before and I started to sin. I repented even more. Heavier and Heavier the conviction of the Lord was upon me. I was fasting with out even knowing it, I was crying more then not crying. I need to change.

            After 3 more weeks, now a total of 7, I sinned 1 last time and had it. I was done with it. I could not live this way. For 5 days I would not answer the phone, open the door, or talk to any one. I was finally and totally broken before the Lord. During those 5 days He gave me a burden to pray, for me and others, this was a gut wrenching prayer.

            This is where I truly was: standing before the Judgment seat with my case full laid out before the Lord with a plead of guilty before Him. Now He was going to separate the Wheat from the Chaff. Temptation came knowing I was weak I prepared to fight knowing this was my final test.

            In a still and quiet voice the Lord asked me a strange question “Will you stop fighting sin and let down your guard?”

            I was perplexed “Yes Lord” and I let my guard down and I sinned. I felt the same way I had 9 years ago when I had first sinned after meeting the Lord. I repented to the Lord even though it felt worthless at this point. I felt doomed to sin for my entire life.

            I was chaff. I had been separated from the Wheat.

            I asked the Lord “what had I missed, what went wrong.”

            He answered me “You fight sin in my name all the while denied the power of the cross in your life. I would rather you be a sinner rampantly sinning, then to trample on the cross of Christ by claming yourself a child of Mine, while continuing to live in sin.”

            Now I truly knew where I stood with God, I was not His child, I was not saved, I was lost, I still ruled my own life and He did not live in me or my heart. I was truly the Chaff ready to be burnt.

            The next day temptation came again. I thought about fighting it and the Lord Jesus asked me most tenderly “will you trust me”? I finally gave up the ruler ship of my life to Him, and handed over the reigns of my life saying “Yes I will trust you.” I did not fight and immediately the desire to sin from with in me left, yet the temptation stayed for a while and bothered me not.

            I was free from the slavery of sin, it no longer had dominion over my life because Jesus Christ was now reigning in my life, literally living in me ruling my life. I had died to self supremely and was now raised to life with Christ joined with Him.

            I now desired the will of my Father in heaven. I had been made holy not by anything I did but by Christ who is holy living in me who became my holiness.